JLA Rookies: My Rat Race
by argonis
Summary: Justice League told in Scrubs fashion (not a crossover). You'll have to watch the show to understand :)


Author's note: Justice League story told in Scrubs fashion, a tribute to one of the funniest shows on television. Just a silly thing that popped into my head and a nice change of pace from the story I'm currently wrestling with. Disclaimer: I'm not very good at humor, so this is quite feeble compared to the real thing. You probably won't really get it unless you watch the show, so watch it! :)

Some of the heroes are obviously out-of-character to fit with the Scrubs theme, so be warned. 

_No I can't do this all on my own_

_I know that I'm no Superman_

_I'm no Superman_

JLA Rookies Episode I: _My Rat Race_

_One of the nice things about being in a league of superheroes is that everyone knows what they're supposed to be doing. Superman's off stopping an earthquake, Batman's tracing the theft of a nuclear missile, Wonder Woman's making a speech to the United Nations. Even the Flash is doing his part to improve the League's public image. _

Two young women sit on a park bench, chatting. The Flash suddenly appears between them in a red and yellow blur. 

"Hello, ladies. Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again a few hundred times?" 

The women roll their eyes at each other. 

_Yup, everyone's got their own job. Me, I haven't seen any serious action yet, but I'm doing my part. It's a tough duty. _

Kyle sits in the central seat of the Monitor Womb, tossing a glowing green pen in the air and catching it. Ocasionally he misses, but that doesn't matter since the pen disappears before hitting the floor and a new one appears in his hand. 

"So...bored..."

"Heeeeey, what's up Kyle?!" Plastic Man saunters into the room. Sporting a pair of goofy goggles, a bright red bodysuit, and hair gelled into a single spike, Eel O'brien is the resident super clown. 

"Hey, Eel. Not much, monitor duty."

"What a drag, man. Hey, nothing's gonna happen in the next couple hours. I got tickets to the Giants-Dodgers game. What say we blow this joint and watch Barry hit some dingers?" Plastic Man's head has formed into a baseball bat and his hand into a ball. He smacks his hand against his head while singing an off-key rendition of "Take Me Out to the Ball-game." 

Kyle looks interested, then sighs. "Naw. Bats would kill me." 

"Ow!" Eel has punched himself a bit too hard. "Bats isn't even here." He turns quickly around to make sure. "Hey, that's the first time I've talked about him and he hasn't been there." 

"I know what you mean." 

"C'mon, it's just for a couple hours. We'll jet down, catch the game, and be back before Ol' Bats even knows you're gone..." Eel trails off. Kyle is staring at something beyond his shoulder. 

Eel turns slowly. "Oh you've got to be kidding m...Ahhh!" A man in a pointy-eared black mask and cape is standing right behind him. Startled, Eel loses cohesion of his body and puddles onto the floor. 

Batman takes a step onto the puddle, ignoring the strangled cry from the ground. "Rookie. Come with me."

Kyle jumps up. "Yessir." He follows the flowing cape to the exit. 

"Eel, you have the monitor." Batman says before stepping out. " And if I find you at a ball game instead of glued to that chair, I'll personally twist you into a jockstrap for the Gotham Knights to use on their 'Share our Personal Belongings Day', but only after making sure Willie the groundskeeper--who I hear has an absolute_ jungle _down there--becomes an honorary member of the team.'" The door closes behind them. 

A very scared-looking Eel O'brien rises up from the ground. After a furtive glance to make sure Batman is really gone, he mutters to himself. "Twist me into a jockstrap…I'd like to see him try, that overgrown Mickey Mouse with wings..."

"What was that, Eel?" comes Batman's voice over his comm. 

"Aughhhhh!!" He flops on the ground again. 

***

Batman strides down the hall as Kyle hurries to keep up. 

_Batman's been my mentor at the JLA. I guess he's kinda like my big brother. He's taken me under his wing, shown me the ropes. Yep, he looks out for me. _

A sliding door opens and Batman steps in. Kyle sprints the last few feet to squeeze in behind him, but the door closes before he gets there and he hits the barrier face-first. He crashes to the ground. 

_Owww__._

The door opens again. "Problem with your feet there, Ginger?"

Kyle stands up, rubbing his cheek. "No, sir." 

Batman's already walking off. "Good, because I'd hate to think that Oracle can walk better than you, considering that she hasn't been able to use her legs in, oh, forever. But even if she did somehow by the grace of God stand up and proclaim 'It's a miracle!' and you were right there to challenge her to a foot race to preserve your dignity as the world's slowest female with working legs, I have the feeling she'd smoke you faster than the Flash on one of his 'special brownie' binges." 

Kyle blinks, imagines Barbara Gordon jumping up and down, laughing and jabbing her finger at him as he huffs and puffs to the finish line. "In your face Gardner! In your face!" He shakes his head and hurries to catch up to Batman. 

"I would kick her butt," he mutters to himself. 

***

Kyle follows Batman in a detour to the Watchtower kitchen, where coffee and pastries are set out. A woman dressed in a star-spangled swimsuit, tiara, and shiny red boots stands at the counter, stirring her coffee. Batman stiffens when he catches sight of her and turns to leave, but she's already seen him. 

Kyle's face turns to follow the conversation, like a ping pong match. 

"Bruce." 

"Diana."

"You never called."

"I never said I would." 

"I was waiting." 

"I was busy." 

"Too busy to hit a button on your comm?" 

"I…misplaced it." 

"What's that in your ear?" 

"This is a, uh…hearing aid…to help me hear…bad…people." 

"I was up all night waiting."

"We agreed it wouldn't be weird." 

"Well, it's weird."

"Yes, it is." 

"Fine."

"Fine." 

They pause, not looking at each other. Batman stirs his coffee and clears his throat. 

"It was that thing with the feather, wasn't it?"

"No, I liked that." 

"Oh. The chocolate?"

"That was good…" 

"The honey?" 

"Mmm…"

"The strawberries? Whipped cream?"

"Oh, Hera…" 

Another pause. Kyle imagines the scene: a gigantic ice cream sundae sits on a table. Batman and Wonder Woman are on opposite ends of the table, making pleased noises as they dig in. Then suddenly, they throw their spoons aside and start making out passionately on top of the table. Ice cream splatters everywhere. 

"See you at eight then?" The question jars Kyle out of his daydream. 

"Oh, yes!"

"Okay." 

When Batman strides off, Kyle hurries to follow. 

"Wow, so you slept with her? Way to go, B-man!"

Batman freezes. 

_Oh, crap. _

The Dark Knight turns, ever so slowly, to face Kyle, who cringes and backs into the wall. The dark form looms larger and larger over him. 

Fortunately, he's saved by the appearance of Superman. "Bruce! Just the man I'm looking for." The Man of Steel pauses. "Am I interrupting something?" 

"Oh God no," says Kyle. 

"What do you want, Clark?" 

"We've got a situation you need to take a look at." 

"All right." Batman turns to Kyle. "Looks like you're on your own, Gladys."

"To do what?" 

"It's a serious responsibility, but I think you're ready to handle it. It's a matter of life-and-death. Lives hang in the balance. But I know you can do this. I have faith in you, rookie." 

Kyle is pumped and ready for action. His ring is blazing. "What is it, Batman?"

"I need you to sort my normal Batarangs from the exploding ones. There're seventeen boxes in my room. Get cracking, Lucy." The two men walk off. 

***

_Most of the time, superhero work makes you feel like you've accomplished something.__ You save the day, or save someone, or maybe even save a dog. Ah, good ol' Fido. Anyway, that's most of the time. The other times, you get mundane tasks like monitor duty, or patrol duty, or paperwork for insurance policies on the buildings you've demolished. Or worse. _

Kyle sits before two huge piles of tiny metal bats. He sighs. 

"Beeping ones, and non-beeping ones…you'd think this would be easier." 

Fourteen unopened boxes sit behind him. 

"Beeping one…non-beeping one…beeping one…beeping one…non-beeping one…" 

He gets an idea in the midst of separating, and taps a button on his comm.

"Yeawhatisit?" 

"Hey, Flash."

"HeyKylewhat'sgoingonI'monmonitorduty--"

"Flash, I've got an emergency."

"Allrightberightthere!"

Kyle counts the seconds. "One, two—" A red blur screeches to a halt in front of him. 

"Show the Flash some love!" A red gloved palm is held up. 

_I hate showing the Flash love. _

Kyle grudgingly offers his palm, winces as Flash slaps it a dozen times in the blink of an eye. 

"So what's up?" 

Kyle is gripping his hand. "Ow…hey, who's watching the Monitor Womb anyway?" 

"Eel." 

Kyle gets a faraway look in his eyes as he imagines Eel stretching his hand into a noose and trying to hang himself as he sits at the monitors. 

He shakes his head. "Poor guy. Anyway. I need your help sorting this." 

"Surenoproblem—wait!" 

"What?" 

"Is this Batman's stuff?" 

"Yea, why?" 

Flash looks around to make sure the Dark Knight isn't around. "Batman said that if he caught me touching his stuff, he'd put um, pictures of, uh, me streaking on the Internet." 

Kyle looks confused. He remembers Flash walking into his room. 

"Dude, check out my website! www.flashflashes.com."

Kyle types in the address, waits for the page to load, and suddenly jerks back from the screen.

"Augh, my eyes! My eeeeeyes!" 

Back in the Batroom, Kyle asks "Why would you care? You already have a website devoted to that."

Flash suddenly looks angry. "Look, it was cold, okay?! There was shrinkage! Totally not my fault! Anyway, sorry dude, you're on your own." The Flash disappears. 

"Damn it." Kyle sighs and goes back to sorting batarangs. 

An hour later, he's down to ten boxes. The piles are enormous. 

The intercom buzzes. "All JLA members, team meeting in the conference room. All JLA members, team meeting in the conference room." Superman announces over the speaker.

"Yes!" Kyle jumps up and flings the bat in his hand into one of the piles, realizing too late that it was a beeping one—

--"oh _CRAP_—"

_Ka-boom!_

***

The JLA meeting is in session. Kyle is in his seat, looking blackened and rather crispy. Batman is staring at him suspiciously.

Kyle flashes back to his explanation to Batman about why he looks so burnt. 

Batman blinks. "They just…went off?" 

Kyle nods. 

"Just…went off? Like that?" 

Kyle nods. 

"Just…went off."

Kyle nods. "Boom." 

Batman stares at him. Kyle hums, looks away. 

Back to the meeting, Superman is saying something but Kyle's not paying attention. He's staring at Aquaman across the table. 

_I don't think Aquaman likes me very much. _

The king of Atlantis is mouthing something to him. "What?" he mouths back, lifting his hands in a uncomprehending gesture. 

Aquaman slowly mouths the words. "Im. Gooeen. Too. Eel. Ouu." 

"What?" Kyle whispers, still not understanding. 

Aquaman sighs. "I'm." He points to himself. "Going." He swings his arms back and forth to pantomime running. "To." He holds up two fingers. "Kill." His hands tighten in a choke hold around an imaginary neck and shakes it viciously. "You." He points at Kyle. 

Kyle is dumbfounded and mouths "Why???" 

Aquaman gives a "who-knows" shrug.*

"Kyle?" Superman asks expectantly. 

"Wha? Uh..." He's still staring blankly at Aquaman, who's glaring at him. Superman turns to Aquaman, who immediately looks nonchalant, then back to Kyle. 

"What do you think, Kyle?" 

Aquaman stabs his hook into an imaginary head, then waves it back and forth in victory. "I, er, what was the question again?" 

The table sighs in unison. 

"Are you able to go?" Superman asks impatiently. 

Kyle glances at Aquaman, who's still waving his hook. His gaze shifts to Batman, who's still staring him suspiciously. 

"Sure! Uh, go where?" 

_*[author's note: scene stolen shamelessly from Scrubs.__ Long live Jan Itor!]_

***

A meeting of Congress on Capitol Hill. A sign outside proclaims it a meeting of the Joint Committee on Taxation and Economic Policy. A smaller signs reveals the name of the meeting: "Estimated Budget Effects of Tax Elasticities on Meta-Human Organizations." 

The delegates in the chamber are listening to one of the Congressmen speak. Kyle is freshly scrubbed and wearing a suit with a green tie. He fidgets. 

He presses his comm and whispers, "Tell me again why Wonder Woman isn't doing this? I thought she was the JLA PR person." 

Eel's voice comes over the speaker. "I dunno, she said she had to go on a mission with Batman and disappeared. She must have been hungry too, raided the kitchen before she left. Took all the chocolate syrup." 

The speaker is droning on about taxation or some such; Kyle's not really paying attention.

He presses the comm again. "So you're on Monitor duty again, huh?" 

A loud sigh. "J'onn tricked me into it."

"How did he—"

"I don't want to talk about it." 

"You lost another bet huh?"

Eel mutters something unintelligible. 

"Dude, you can't beat J'onn when it comes to eating Oreos."

"Shut up!" 

Kyle lets out a laugh and abruptly claps a hand to his mouth. The nearby Congressmen and their aides glare at him. He hunkers down and tries to listen to the speech, but his eyes soon glaze over. 

"I'm sooo bored." 

"Right back 'atcha, man." 

"I don't see how this has anything to do with being a superhero. This is worse than watching paint dry." 

"Tell me about it. I think the wall here is starting to peel. I swear it was fine when I started." 

"This job sucks sometimes."

"Yeah, it does." 

He glances around furtively. Seeing no one looking at him, a glowing green Gameboy appears in his hands. He's soon engrossed in the game, tapping furiously at the controls as the game gets more and more exciting. 

Finally he beats the level. He pumps his fist. "Suck it, Bowser!" 

He blinks. The entire room is staring at him. "Uh, sorry guys. Thought I saw a bad guy. Calls himself Bowser. Looks like a big turtle. Anyone see…no? Guess not."

He sits back down, clears his throat and stares intently at the podium, suddenly very interested in the Congressman's speech. 

*** 

Kyle is dozing on his desk in the Watchtower, daydreaming… 

He's sprawled on a pool chair in a tropical resort, surrounded by dozens of adoring, scantily clad girls. Piles of money and jewels are everywhere. He sips a pina colada. 

"Ahh, now this is the life of a superhero." 

A giant dragon appears out of nowhere, roaring and breathing fire. The girls scream and run in dainty circles, their chests bouncing. "Save us, mighty hero!" 

Kyle calmly gets to his feet. "No worries ladies, I'm here." He's enveloped in a green suit of armor and a sword and engages the dragon. He dodges, thrusts, parries. The dragon falls. 

The girls tackle him to the ground, squealing in delight. An especially cute brunette lands on top of him and they kiss passionately. 

Back in the real world, Kyle is making out with his desk. 

"Ahem." 

Kyle starts, sees a black figure before him. "Oh Jesus Christ!" His chair tips over and he falls to the ground.

Batman just looks at him. "My God, Angela, you should at least let that thing buy you dinner first."

Kyle's gasping for breath and clutching his heart. "Bats…you almost gave me…a heart attack." 

"Let's go, rookie, time for patrol." 

Kyle gets to his feet, sighing. "Where today?" 

"You get the eastern seaboard." 

"Oh, joy."

Batman pauses. His voice is hard. "Something wrong with patrol?" 

Kyle gulps. "Well, it's just that…well, it's boring." He cringes, expecting a rebuke. 

Batman nods slowly. "I see. That is kind of true." 

Kyle is emboldened by Batman's agreement. "Yeah! I mean, why do we have to do it anyway? We've got the Monitor Womb, we've got Oracle, why bother doing flybys of cities when nothing ever happens?" 

"You're right! We shouldn't have to do that!" 

Kyle nods eagerly. Batman abruptly spins to glare at him. The nodding stops. 

"Because. It's. Your. Job. You. Idiot." Kyle winces at each word. "Let me guess, this whole superhero gig would be a lot easier if all you had to do was sit around sipping fruity drinks and have a bunch of cute guys slapping your tush." 

Kyle dreams of his bikini babes. 

"Unfortunately, the whole 'saving people' thing kind of gets in the way of that. Now get out of here! Go go go go go!" 

Kyle runs out of the room. 

***

He's sitting in the Monitor Womb again. He yawns, drums his fingers against the control panel. 

He glances behind him to make sure no one's in the room, then forms a remote control with his ring and changes one of the monitors to _Days of Our Lives_. He watches, fascinated, as a woman seduces her husband's brother's girlfriend's son. 

He's leaning forward to catch an especially interesting plot twist—the son is actually a daughter, and also a vampire—when the TV suddenly goes dead. In fact, all the lights and the electronics in the room shut off, too. He looks around, scared.

"Hello…? Anybody there?" His voice echoes in the dark room. 

He gulps. He makes his ring glow like a flashlight, then cautiously gets out his chair and creeps toward the exit. He's glancing all around and doesn't notice the figure in front of him. He bumps right into it. 

"AUUGHH—oh, hi, Aquaman." 

_Oh crap. _

Aquaman glares at him.

Kyle's eyes widen. "You did this," he whispers, referring to the darkness. 

Aquaman takes a step toward him. "No, I think we both know _you _did this_." _ Kyle skitters back.

Another step forward, another one back. "Did what?? I didn't do anything!"

Aquaman roars at him. "Don't lie to me! I saw what you did to that glass of water!" 

"What are you talking about?! What glass of water—"

Kyle pauses, remembers pouring a glass of water down the drain. In the background, Aquaman gasps in horror, rushes for the sink. But the water is gone before he reaches it. He falls to his knees, sobbing, while an oblivious Kyle walks away. 

"Ohh…okay, so I did. But why would you care—"

Aquaman stares at him.

"Oh, right. Forgot the name…"

Aquaman stares at him.

Kyle mutters the explanation to no one in particular. "See, 'cause you're Aquaman…which means water…"

The glare sharpens. "You mess with water, you mess with me." He advances on Kyle. 

Kyle is slowly backing away. "Look, I was not messing with water, okay? I drink it all the time!!" Aquaman raises his hook. "I love water, I swear!! I'd marry it if I could!"

The hook stops. 

*** 

Kyle is back on monitor duty, head still attached. He presses a few buttons, watches a few monitors, types something into the computer. 

Finally, he glances at the bottle of Evian sitting next to him. A blonde wig is propped on it. "Well, Evie, looks like our honeymoon is about to begin." 

He slowly reaches for the bottle. "Don't be shy, girl…" He lunges and grabs it, unscrews the cap, and downs its contents in a single drain. 

When the bottle is empty, he lowers it and wipes away the water that's dribbled onto his chin. He gives a satisfied sigh. 

"Was it good for you too?" He settles back into the chair. 

A warning beep suddenly sounds from the monitors, followed by sirens going off. He jumps to his feet, tapping buttons furiously. 

A voice comes over the speaker. "JLA, this is Oracle, come in." 

He hits a button. "This is JLA, go ahead Oracle." 

"JLA, we have a major earthquake in Dust City, collapsing buildings and possible casualties, please respond." 

Kyle's eyes widen. "I…this is Rayner…I'm the only one in the Watchtower. I've never stopped one of these…alone…before…" He taps his communicator. "Bats? Supes? Wonder Woman? Anyone?" No response. 

"You better hurry, Rayner! We've got a fifty story building about to crumble!" 

He swallows nervously, rubs his hands together to warm them. His features strengthen as he finds his resolve. "Right!" 

A green aura envelopes him and he jets off. 

*** 

Dust City, in the midst of a massive earthquake. Hundreds of people are running on the streets, screaming. 

A skyscraper is shaking and about to collapse. Bystanders shout and point. An old woman has fallen out of the twentieth floor and is plummeting to her death—

--a green streak swoops in—

--catches her—

--and flies her to safety. The crowd cheers. 

Kyle places the woman safely on her feet and rushes back to the action. 

"Thank you, young man!" The woman calls to his retreating form. He waves a hand at her and goes back to work. 

A giant green hand stabilizes the building. Green nets catch falling debris and prevent it from landing on the people below. He swoops to and fro, snatching bystanders to safety. 

But Kyle has to be in twenty places at once. He's holding a dozen buildings steady and preventing thousands of tons of debris from hitting the ground. He's sweating heavily, the ring taxing his resources. 

He watches helplessly as an enormous chunk of a building breaks off and plummets to the ground, where there's a huge crowd of evacuees from that same building. 

He's already overextended himself, can't force any more power out of the ring. 

"Oh God no…" he whispers in horror. The stone falls almost as if in slow motion. The crowd below is trying to scatter, but they're not going to get out in time, people are going to die, the chunk is going to hit the ground--

--until something blasts it out of the air. 

Kyle jerks his head up, sees a black jet that looks kind of like a…

"Batman!" 

"You okay, rookie?" comes the voice over his comm.

"Much better now!" 

Together, the two mop up the remains of the earthquake, Batman with his jet and a variety of gadgets, Kyle with his ring. When the dust finally settles, the worst of the casualties are broken bones and some nasty cuts and scrapes. No one has died.

Kyle breathes a huge sigh of relief as he surveys the landscape. 

The crowd begins to cheer. Embarrassed, he looks around for Batman, who's faded into the shadows and is nowhere to be seen. 

"Enjoy it, rookie," Batman says over the comm. "You deserve it."

Kyle smiles and basks in the applause. 

_Ahh_, it's good to be the king. __

***

Kyle whistles at a urinal. "Goodbye, Evie, I'll always remember you," he murmurs into the porcelain. A shake, a zip, and a flush, and he washes his hands and leaves the room. 

Batman is waiting for him outside. "How're you feeling?" 

Kyle smiles. "Good. Tired, but good." 

Batman nods. "Back there in Dust City…that's why we do what we do. Because if we can make a difference like that even just once, then everything we go through, anything we might suffer, even the mundane, boring stuff, it's all worth it." 

Kyle nods. "I understand." 

"Now let's get going, Samantha, I don't have all day." They walk off together, Kyle trotting after his mentor. 

_I guess in the end it comes down to passion. Being passionate about what you do can make a world of difference. Things are a lot easier if you have passion for your work…_

_...or passion for your hobbies…_

Eel sits in the Monitor Womb. He glances around to make sure no one is watching, then switches one of the monitors to baseball and sits back to enjoy the game. He whoops when one of the players smacks a home run. 

_…passion for something…_

Aquaman sits in his room, surrounded by hundreds of bottles of water. He sighs in contentment and lovingly strokes one of the bottles. "My precious…"

_…or, passion for someone._

Wonder Woman throws Batman to the ground and pounces on him. A cape and cowl fly into the air, followed by a pair of blue panties sprinkled with white stars. After a few seconds, a hand emerges from the tangle and reaches for a bottle of chocolate syrup. 

_Yep, if you're passionate about what you do, then the little stuff doesn't bother you. Because in the end, this is still the best job in the world. _

"Oh, by the way, rookie…"

"Yea?" 

"I reviewed the security tapes of my room and saw how the batarangs just…went off. Boom, huh?"

Kyle freezes. "Boom…" he says weakly. 

"Don't worry, Tiffany, I got a new shipment you're going to sort for me. Thirty boxes this time. It'll be so much fun." 

_Aw, crap. _


End file.
